Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I smell like Dick and happiness
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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