i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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