I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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