when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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