Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
