My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
