I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
