I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
