It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
