I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
