I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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