So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize