you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
