i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
