I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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