My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
