If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
