Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
