so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
