The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
