I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
