So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
