I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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