NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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