I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Randomize
