my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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