I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I wish there were birth control emojis
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
