Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
one might say we're banned from that church
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
