im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
