dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
