They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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