4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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