So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
