I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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