and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
