You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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