I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
