After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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