I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
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