You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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