I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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