we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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