Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
well you can't waste a boner
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize