the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You have to summon your inner elephant
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
