At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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