Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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