Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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