ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
