this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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