why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
