My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
