I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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