I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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