Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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