Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
