you're like a bully in the Christmas story
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
