I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
