this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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