I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
