it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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