to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
