she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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