census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
