So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
