i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
false alarm, still single
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
