yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
