i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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